A Matter of Magnitude
by alikat522
Summary: The musings of Yeerks at their most vulnerable moments. Rated for language in later chapters. Chapter 4: In a Skull
1. In a Jar

Disclaimer: The Animorphs and all related things belong to K.A. Applegate and Scholastic, not me. I just want to hang out in their world.

**In a Jar**

She is using me to try and disgust the human. She wants to see it cringe, shrink back, say "Eeew, what is that? Some kind of worm?" She wants to put this human to the test by seeing if it can overcome its disgust and let the slimy slug into its ear. If the human can bring itself to the utter degradation of touching me, then Edriss will know she has won. I just have to wait in this jar and see what happens.

If she showed me to the children, they might poke at me a bit, and then try to smash me with their tiny hands, if they didn't just stuff me into their toothless mouths and try to eat me. Nothing about the slug would resonate in their child minds, nothing about it would say that this was half of their father, half of the entity that held them in his arms when they cried and tucked them into bed at night. They came into life slimy and wet, but were quickly dried off and made clean, made pure, made into creatures worthy of love. When I am in Hildy, I am made worthy too.

I am not new to self-loathing. I have long been a failed soldier, considered too weak and emotional to really accomplish anything. But now I am so far beyond that; I am a failed Yeerk. I look at my body through a human's eyes and feel their disgust. I want to pretend for as long as I can that Hildy's hands are my hands, that Darwin and Madra are my children, that Allison is my wife.

Allison. Edriss. How quickly I began to think of Edriss as "she", just as quickly as I began to think of myself as "he". There is nothing male about me; I am a genderless blob, just as Edriss is. And based on human concepts of sex, she is the more masculine one. But when I look at her, I see a woman, and when I touch her, I am a man. I can hold her in my arms, Hildy's arms, but _my_ arms, and ignore the rest of the universe. Pretend nothing else is out there, just twinkling stars that I can teach my children the names of.

It may all change when I come out of this jar. I will open human eyes again, and if they are Hildy's, then my paradise is safe. If they belong to someone else, this "voluntary" controller of hers, then it all goes wrong. She wants to bring in the rest, Yeerks who will never understand what a gift they are being given. They will look on humans like Hork-Bajir, ignoring the sanctity of a human mind. They will wedge their disgusting bodies into human ears that they will take for granted. They will stomp all over my little virgin world and make it as vile as they are. As vile as I am.

The jar is beginning to shift, sloshing me against the smooth cold sides. In a moment, I will feel human fingers around me, followed by a human ear. I will push inside it, invade this pure flesh, and put myself where something like me does not belong. I will go in and immerse myself once more in my beautiful fantasy. I want it to be Hildy so badly. Please let me pretend just a little while longer…

"You win, Sub-Visser."


	2. In a Cage

**In a Cage**

{You have no right to do this. Absolutely no right.}

{You keep saying that. Is the irony completely lost on you? I am just doing to you what you intended to do to me; what you have done to countless other creatures.}

{We are designed for control over weaker minds, shaped by evolution. You are just some pacifist's play thing who got warped along the way. You preach about peace and love, but you keep me in a cage.}

{I am not hurting you.}

{You think that makes this okay? I would have at least given you freedom every three days. And you would have been in a familiar habitat, still among friends and family. I have not been able to communicate with anyone but you since you locked me in here.}

{I cannot run the risk of you informing the others about us.}

{I cannot even see. You would have still had all your senses, the ability to absorb input. You have taken me out of my home, made me abandon all of my friends, cut off all input in my life, and you still have the ability to think of yourself as good?}

{I have not hurt you.}

{Why won't you just let me die? Please, I would prefer it. You already have all of my memories, my title and rank, everything you need, and it is not like you run the risk of forgetting any of it. Let me die. No one would notice, you've made your illusion so complete. You would not have to listen to me anymore. We could both get a little peace of mind.}

{…}

{Please. Kill me.}

{…We will get the Pemalite crystal soon. Then…we will see.}


	3. In a Bag

**In a Bag**

I always liked this jacket. Of course, I never imagined I'd be in the pocket of it, sealed in a plastic bag. But I never imagined a lot of things. I never imagined bonding with a host. I never imagined joining a rebel faction. I certainly never imagined working with a group of "Andalite bandits". I never imagined being alone.

That is strange to think of. This is the first time in my entire life that I have been alone. I was born with hundreds of siblings, and I ever since I have either been in a full pool, surrounded by other Yeerks, or in the head of another living creature, part of a community of two. Andalites may be herd animals, but we are the ultimate societal species.

From what I have seen of solitude, it is not something to be envied. The first time I entered his head, I was struck by just how much loneliness stings. He had felt so bonded to his wife, that her absence left a gaping wound in him. That had been another thing that I had never imagined: being that emotionally attached to another creature. I had formed bonds with other Yeerks, of course, and I cared for many of my siblings. But if they were no longer present, I would still be able to function.

Of course, even as I say this, I must admit that I have come to care for him. I hope that, no matter what happens tonight or in the future, he is able to escape. I know how relieved Aftran was to hear that Karen had successfully gotten away. She had even had other Yeerks in the movement pull strings to have her father offered a job out of the state. It was a wise move in terms of security, a way of covering our trail, but that was not why Aftran had done it. Aftran had come to care for the little one, just as I had come to care for him. Karen's escape had ultimately led to Aftran's detection and capture, but I imagine Aftran thinks it is worth it. I know that I would.

I wonder if, in the future, there will still be room for those like us. If Cassie and her compatriots do in fact win, if the Empire is brought down and Yeerks no longer control involuntary hosts, will there be any voluntary Controllers left? So many of the voluntary Controllers we have now come to us because of weakness and desperation, which is taken advantage of. But will there still be people who want that bond, who want to share control with someone else and take some of the pressure off of themselves? When there is no longer a fight, will he still want me in his head? What will I do if he wants me gone?

Hmm. This solitude does strange things to the mind. It brings up far more questions then I normally take the time to think about. I should focus my thoughts on hoping that Cassie succeeds tonight. If she does not, then thoughts of the future are a moot point, because none of us will live to see it. There is nothing to do but stay in a bag and wait for the best.


	4. In a Skull

Author's Note: Aside from not writing Animorphs, I did not write any of the songs used in this piece.

**In a Skull**

Two and a half days. Two and a half days since the gas. I have no idea where the others are, whether they can't find me, or they abandoned me, or they died too. So for two and a half days, I have been here, nothing but me, my own personal fallout shelter, and what is left of her head. Her hair is gone, her eyes are gone, her flesh and bones and blood and pulse are all blasted apart from the impact of the gas and the rocks and the Andalite scum's Taxxon teeth. The ears are mangled, blocking my way out. Unless someone comes and gets me, this is where I die.

That is not to say that I am alone. Oh no, even in death, I am in her, part of her. I am pushed flat against the inside of her newly metallic skull, trying to avoid the death and decomposition that lies just centimeters away. And even though I am not connected into the dying tissue, the memories of her stay firmly rooted in my mind. I flick through everything I have of her, images and conversations and sounds. The first notes of the fugue mesh with left-over strands of teenage anthems, music from the mouths of vapid adults into the ears of vapid teens.

_I feel like I've been locked up tight for a century of lonely nights._

_But we are two worlds apart. Can't reach to your heart._

_Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know that something wasn't right here?_

Oh, you knew, you always knew, bitch. You lowered yourself down, you swam in the dark waters, and you let bugs into your head, all so that you could be pretty. And you were. You were gorgeous. I loved your eyes, not to look out into the world, but to look into the mirror and take in every bit of your loveliness. My loveliness. I did not want to shut out a moment of it. They kept their promises, strapped us down, and asked if I wanted anesthesia. Were they mad? I had spent a life in a pool, why would I ever want to be numb again? I took it all in, you took it all in, awake the whole time, and we clung to each other through the beautiful pain and grasped onto the knowledge that it was all worth it. Because we would be lovely. So lovely.

_I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for the weekend or a one-night stand._

_My loneliness is killing me._

No it's not. Starvation is. I still have you, I have always had you. From the first days we felt it, felt the melding. I wanted the pretty. You wanted the power. And I have to say, I got some tips from you. You were a teenage girl, who could possibly know better how to break someone? Do you hear that, Visser? You try to smash, but she and I, we know how to break. We know how to break people, in ways they will never come back from. The Andalite is still broken. If we failed, then why is he still cracked? Why is he still so very damaged? Spend a day in a high school; then you can talk to me about proper torture techniques.

_Show me how you want it to be. Tell me, baby, 'cause I need to know now what we've got._

I outgrew you. You were a wonderful mind to lavish in, but I needed to be more, I needed to have control, I needed to be fully Yeerk, at least for a time. I am sorry; the time for beauty had passed. But I could never be cruel, no, not to you. I ripped open your head, packed down your skull with protection, put a divider between me and you, but I never destroyed your face. I spent hours looking in the mirror, for you, for me, yes, but for you, giving you the gift of yourself. You truly were a gift. The last thing I heard with your ears was your laugh, and I will hold on to that until my last moment, however close or far that may be.

_She's touch, smell, sight, taste and sound._

_A_t least we will be together until the end. The fugue is rising; can you hear it? What a way to go. On the remains of my final battle field, in a coffin of my own design, lying so close to your pretty pretty pretty brain.


End file.
